McCain Camp: We need “more whiners, less leadership”

(FAQ) Phil Gramm is a bad ass. No one is contesting that. At all… ever. He’s a proven A-type personality with a big ego and an outside jumper to match. For a white guy , the dude got game. So don’t even… YET on Thursday he fouled up, pretty big time. He stated an obvious fact in politics and lets not f8ck around, you just can’t do that.

He stated during the national anthem of 43,242 attendees at Miller park in Milwaukee that “Lemmings, P*ssies, and whiners” Should just shut the f*ck up and take what is coming to them, namely McCain.

In Gramms view it’s him, not Billy Grahm who has got the jock to swing in DC politics and every one else can get bent. Especially all those “potential voters” who are too chicken shit to vote and simply bitch.

The McCain camp didn’t see the issue with interrupting the National anthem, or find foul in Gramm’s word’s simply releasing a statement that, “Crackerjacks and peanuts” were what Americans stood for, so unless the people there wanted to be part of a banana republic they should shut up and eat their treats. Initially, the crowd roared wanting more anthem, but after a short mob-like discussion decided Gramm was in the wrong and gave him the ultimate Bronx cheer. Over 20,000 Milwaukeeans “Mooned” Gramm and the McCain camp to McCain’s grin as he is still missing his trifocals that Gramm swiped simply to give McCain confidence in big crowds not unlike that Beatles branded icon, John Lennon REFUSED TO WEAR HIS GLASS FOR AN EXTRA CUP OF CONFIDENCE. In GRAMM’S words, “Like the Beatles, John McCain is American to the Apple’s core. He is a hero, a service man, and loves softball. Even more than Hardball… which is dangerous for men his age.”

Obama says he’s make a good Will Smith.

Washington, DC - Barack Obama stated Friday Morning that he would make a good Will Smith if he were elected President of the United States of America. “Not only would I stop meteorites, aliens, Joe Frazier, and Uncle Phil, I could could be the first black president to see that I, Robot thing coming.”

Will Smith’s publicist could not be reached directly for comment, only releasing a cryptic “He’s got the Brawndo vote.”

Canadian dude steals Camaro, held as “enemy combatant.”

(Billings, Montana) Dirk Shockey thought it was be pretty “cool” to steal his neighbors Camaro and take it for a permanent joyride to the USA. Little did he know that Arthur Wellington’s son had left his GPS enabled phone in the glove compartment when Shockey tried to take it across national borders into the United States.

At approximately 8 O’Clock Friday Shockey was sighted at a roadside truck-stop in Montana with an cherry Icee and a fresh pack of Redman stuffed into his back trouser pocket. “It was him man” said Chester Haynes, a local patron who eats breakfast at “the stop” every day. “Wannabe American if I ever saw one.” Chester, unaware of Dirk’s intentions called the local sheriff who quickly turned the man over to the Military for maximum punishment.

Posers pose a serious security threat in the USA and when foreigners drive our cars, use our software, and sip our sweet tobacco, a line has to be drawn in the dust. Dirk isn’t talking to the press at this time nor would he be allowed to - he is being held in a water chamber bordering two undisclosed countries. His family was reached for comment, yet only had two things to say ” Dirk got what he wanted - he’s emigrated all USA-like, and we get what we wanted - for Dirk to get that hair cut.”

Coast Guard Searches for Missing “LobsterMan”

Bar Harbor, MN - “The United States of America is putting its full faith and credit in the servicemen that serve the Civilian branch of the US Military looking for this Lobster Man.” We have been committed in looking for werewolves, bigfoots, ufo’s, and whatnots - this is the first good lead that we have had on a lobsterman in a while.” This was the only statement made, however several aircraft carrier crews have been given notice that they are to set sail for the North American Atlantic Stat.

Shirley Temple Blacks out drunk, breaks arm.

SAN FRANCISCO, California (FAQ) – Shirley Temple quietly celebrated her 80th birthday this week by blacking out and breaking her arm in a fall at her suburban San Francisco home.

Shirley Temple, one of the biggest movie stars of the 1930s, turned 80 on Wednesday.

Rick Roll, her Los Angeles-based film start up, says the former child star is doing fine. She turned 80 on Wednesday again in case you missed it.

Black was the top box-office draw in the U.S. from 1935 to 1938. Her best-known films include “Curly Top” and “Little Miss Marker.”

After retiring from the big screen, she held a number of diplomatic posts, including U.S. ambassador to Czechoslovakia. 

“When there is a picture of you in the dictionary under the word cute, it is hard to maintain a stable mindset as you age.” Said Professor Midriff. “Eventually you start to let yourself go, sometimes with self-destructive result.”

 

FAQ: Patreus “I caught a fish and his thingy was this big.”

Washington DC - General David Patreus, the head of command for Global US Military Operations has recently scored a nice catch that was about as big as he claims in the photo below. After explaining what he has been up to in Iraq and the progress that was made there,

somewhat unexpectedly stated, “No, no problems, everything is fine, nice walks on sand, strolls on the beach… the fruit is plentiful as peace, we have altered the landscape to become a lush garden of Babylon, everyone is happy and healthily endowed, heck just yesterday I caught a fish and his thingy was this big.” Things are going swimmingly in Iraq.

FAQ: Contestants discuss “shit” on Fox News.

Update: The link below has been changed from it’s original destination since this article has been published!

Dark Alley Bar, 7th Circle of Hell - Angry, unpleasant people discussed things using effeminate hand gestures, sinister smirks, and euphemisms for the word, “shit” on an apparent variety show aired by Fox news.

A play by play version of the video is as follows:

>>>Click here to view video in new window

A program aptly titled, Red Eye, starts with Jon Favreau mini(ature) angrily bitching about the calendar dates, 4.20.2008 and 4.22.2008. Apparently “Good vibes” are associated with these dates also known in hell as “Four Twenty and Earth Day.” Four contestants were brought on the show to discuss these dates, gerbils, and the banning of Mother’s day.

The panel discussion begins with the host calling his guest a drug addict and her showing her cleavage as we hear here anti-pot rants about her “friends” and news about the “White House Drug Office.” Admittedly, it is hard to pay attention to her ramblings about US corporations as her pretty head starts at the top of the screen and her cleavage stretches below the banner ads on the bottom of the screen.

The conversation then moves to inaccurate amounts of hacky-sack procurement claimed to be in the tens of billions. Then games distracting child-like gestures are made to explain a game that one contestant cannot remember the name of nor how to play. Some of the pre-requisites and or the name of this game (Devil Sticks) are guessed by the panel, all of which are wrong. So as Devil Sticks isn’t generated by the minds on this program and as the guesses and claims become more and more incredulous, this giddyfest turns grusome as the guests really started to talk shit.

“Two sticks one girl” is referenced and on minimal internet sleuthing reveals perhaps one of the most foul acts of fecal consumption and exhibitionism available on the web today called, “two girls one cup.”

As the conversation spins out of control, the cleavaged contestant denounces her friends and a young hot girl from Reason Magazine is brought in to change the topic from denouncing 4:20 into denouncing “Mother’s Day” Reason Being, she doesn’t want to just celebrate Mother’s Day Once a year. Apparently at Reason Magazine things are reasoned on an entirely self-centered basis, where it’s not about Mother’s really, it’s about you, or in her thinking… “me.” While she does give a few seconds break from the shit talking and promotes positive thinking, her point is easily mocked and the conversation moves on.

The Tucker Carlson of the group then goes on to explain that when he went to college, the banning of drugs got worse from the freshman year to senior year only during his years of college and again, national policy was likely set around his experience. He then lets his metrosexual flag fly with a perceptive take on the fashion of “stoners” perhaps taking a cue from the “Me-ness” of the representative from Reason.

Which then leads back to the host who can actually feel the hate rolling off another guest, who succinctly states that he hates people. He then goes to say, ” I’m one of those wackos that believes that people can put whatever they want into their bodies, pot, meth, gerbils…”

Then is a flash of excited dead pan Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson style, the host brings up a very, very relevant point, “If you take a gerbil and give the gerbil drugs drugs, and then you take the gerbil and insert it inside yourself, are you in effect on drugs? have we gone around (hopeful smiling) the legal loophole here?”

“More like the legal poophole!” is the response that makes the contestants heads shake, camera people laugh, and bring much needed segway back to the topic of conversation. Talking Shit.

http://www.foxnews.com/video2/video08.html?videoId=c5caaf50-7a3c-4042-9c74-d7902cf0ea6a&sMPlaylistID=

FAQ: CNN Reporter Richard Quest busted in New York with Crystal Meth

New York, NY- CNN Report Richard Quest was recently busted in New York’s Central park with Crystal Meth, which is well… not anything FAQ News didn’t see coming. When in the field Quest has a demanding schedule - flying red eye flights to Istanbul, Cairo, Auckland sometimes on the same day. It’s impressive - FAQ News has trouble doing multiple errands in the same city on over an entire weekend. Not that we aren’t committed, we are, but this “Quest is a Machine” He is anywhere that needs his attention. It is little wonder how he kept up with such a demanding schedule - Meth. Or as Quest might say, “Next on the Sed-du-el…Meth!”

Video Link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ROytPFkr7pU

“CNN Reporter Richard Quest Arrested With Crystal Meth”

Texas polygamy ranch moves Colorado

Boulder, CO - “We just gotta get us one of those” is an all too common sentiment among the Colorado citizens craving religious sects and polygamy publicity. Southpark councilmen also are considering changing the town’s parliamentary government into simply a sect. Reasons for such a move include:

• “Its a publicity machine”
• Less voting = less bullcrap
• Easy hierarchy of one supreme leader
• More women folk
• Putting things back where they belong

Midwest earthquake not felt mid Quake session

Chicago, IL - Brothers Bart and Simon Ventura were too busy playing the popular video game Quake to notice the Earthquake that shook buildings across the Midwest last night. It was a Magnitude-5.2 tremor that struck southern Illinois at 4:36 a.m and the effects were felt in Chicago, St. Louis, Milwaukee, Madison, Louisville and all across the Midwestern region of the United States. It was the largest tremour to hit the region since 1968.