According to The Food and Drug Administration former President Jimmy Carter has been linked to a nationwide outbreak of salmonella tainted Peanut Butter. As an ex-Peanut Farmer from Georgia, the former President was immediately under scrutiny for his likely role in the outbreak, which has sickened 399 people in 42 states. According to the inspection report, posted at FDA’s Web site, “Mr. Carter has been carrying this bacteria, which causes diarrhea, fever vomiting and abdominal cramps, for many years. Reptiles such as turtles, lizards, snakes, and Jimmy Carter can carry the bacteria on their skin.”
Mr. Carter couldn’t immediately be reached for comment.
Steven Tyler has kicked off an American tour, preaching to hundreds of thousands the dangers of our excessive consumption here in America. Mr. Tyler kicked off the evening clad from head to toe in silken scarves, by warning us there is something wrong with the world today, and adding, “The light bulb’s gettin’ dim.There’s meltdown in the sky. We are livin’ on the edge.”
Is old style beer new again? “Fuck No” claims Chester Blair, a retired WWII vet and frequent drinker of the Old Style. “Same shit different day, hip hurts, meds cost to much so I swear by this stuff – taste like beer out of a can, can’t see what the hub bub is about.”
Frankie Flowers, Jimmy the Whop… have you heard of these clowns? Likely, but how about how about Pat Schmitt & James Wong? Well so have the folks that work at the (IRS) Internal Revenue Service sure have.
Working in conjunction with WPS (Washington Public Schools) late night TV advertiser, the ATR (American Tax Relief) has figured out a system of tracking down local bullies and shaking up things on the hill to work in their customers favor.
You might know ATR as the service that can drop your taxes by almost 90% or go away completely, do how do they do that?
New York, New York - Successful television and movie producer Lorne Michaels is notorious for giving actors “a shot” at acting on the iconic SNL. However as the cast has changed through the years and with it the show’s demographic, Michaels often reaches out and hand selects one token black character to play one-dimensional characters. This Saturday had Keenen Thompson on a hip hop show dancing on books, and doing a math dance, it did not however have him acting.
At the time of his interview, Keenen Thompson confused Producer Michaels by referring himself as brother Keenen where Michaels allegedly thought Keenen was referring to the eldest of the successful and versatile family that brought Living Color, J-Lo, and a boatload of movies. The show has been losing it’s relevance for sometime and relying on a once-a-year video from Adam Sandler’s replacement Adam Sandburg.
Washington DC – Vice Presidential elect, Joe Biden decided to pay homage to the days of yore and take a steam powered riverboat to Washington this week. Joe, once a good friend of Samuel Clemens and no stranger to Samuel Adams tipped his VP derby cap to both of his old friends and arrived to Washington today just one day behind schedule.
“I love to travel by boat, just love it. There’s little traffic, a full bar, and those cigarette girls that walk around in the maid uniforms between the poker tables.”
I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Joe and President elect Barack Obama are scheduled to move into power this Tuesday January 20th, 2009. Biden’s VP two horse carriage is prepped and ready to go for Tuesday’s inauguration.
(Hollywood, California) “The asshole character on the hit show “Two and a half men” was created for the actual Charlie.” -Brother Emilio Estevez said Saturday night at LA film premiere. It hasn’t been easy for Charlie after the divorce from actor Denise Richards Sheen, as some people change jobs, join the Y, wear woman’s clothes, or do what they have to in order to change their life, “Chuck wouldn’t budge…” said father Martin Sheen who chimed in.
“I got the old cabinet together and Rob Lowe says he knows this guy from “Hiding Out” that needed work badly and would have to put up with the little shit.” “Emilio won’t work with him, either will I, so during that writers strike, the network cut a deal with some second rate actors to just work with Chuck on a set and let Charlie be Charlie. “The show’s theme song sucks – but that’s tv for ya.” Both actors were at the red carpet event with some director friends of theirs and not Charlie’s.
(FAQ News) Burt Johnson looks like your typical arkansas republican, gruff, weathers, flannel shirt, deep wrinkles, and awry grin you could trust to fix you good when you needed fixin. ‘Cept one thing. Burt is a champion tomatoes grower. He’s the best, really. As Burt’s neighbor I have a sly eye into his life across the fence. A fence that don’t need fixin’ cause it was never meant to do nothing, cept’ sit there, like I do as I watched a man three years my senior show a retired youngin’ how it is done.
Burt is famous around these part for his prized tomotaoes, he’s real good at cookin ‘em too. Fries ‘em up nice. His wife is even better at that, what she’s really great at though, is breeding cats. Fluffies, Tabby’s, even Siamise one growing season, but they didn’t last, never do. Cats over at Burts got a way of, how should I say… getting into things they shouldn’t – and even though Burt can garden, he can kill too. Burt’s wife is always looking for her cats, but before long she usually finds em in the barn with the one eyed barn cat, or guess where? In the garden, dead, and seed sprinkled all around em. She should me once that’s how I know, I wouldn’t dare tresspass on their land, i know the fence is broke, but my common sense ain’t. Did I mention that Burt’s wife is his fifth? He grows a celebratory pumpkin every year after his wives “leave” wins that compeition too. anyway, I don’t think I’ll eat his pumpkin, but his tomatoes are good. You should try one, they’re 100% fair trade organic blood red prizewinners they are.
YEAH SO, we all saw this coming. It’s like when you take a pet to the vet and the pet goes wide eyed and starts to drool, seemingly losing all normal personality traits such as a rabid dog.
They have convinced their leaders to sell out their freinds on the social networking site, Facebook. Kill 10 friends and earn food. Where does it end? Keep updated about this situation on Twitter.com/WhopperVirgins or find out what those loons at Wendy’s are chalking up at Twitter.com/3conomics
According to The Food and Drug Administration former President Jimmy Carter has been linked to a nationwide outbreak of salmonella tainted Peanut Butter. As an ex-Peanut Farmer from Georgia, the former President was immediately under scrutiny for his likely role in the outbreak, which has sickened 399 people in 42 states. According to the inspection report, posted at FDA’s Web site, “Mr. Carter has been carrying this bacteria, which causes diarrhea, fever vomiting and abdominal cramps, for many years. Reptiles such as turtles, lizards, snakes, and Jimmy Carter can carry the bacteria on their skin.”
(Hollywood, California) “The asshole character on the hit show “Two and a half men” was created for the 
(FAQ News) Burt Johnson looks like your typical arkansas republican, gruff, weathers, flannel shirt, deep wrinkles, and awry grin you could trust to fix you good when you needed fixin. ‘Cept one thing. Burt is a champion tomatoes grower. He’s the best, really. As Burt’s neighbor I have a sly eye into his life across the fence. A fence that don’t need fixin’ cause it was never meant to do nothing, cept’ sit there, like I do as I watched a man three years my senior show a retired youngin’ how it is done. 
YEAH SO, we all saw this coming. It’s like when you take a pet to the vet and the pet goes wide eyed and starts to drool, seemingly losing all normal personality traits such as a rabid dog.
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